The joys of college or how I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs...
Own Path, Diverse, Gay, Diversity, Love
littlecrush1981
I have been going through it! You don't even know. It seems like every single hurdle that Ball State University could through at me they have. I have had to talk to admissions more times than I care to remember. They have pushed me to the brink of insanity. You would think a college system that has been in existence since the dawn of time would have their stuff together, but it appears they do not. I, as a transfer student, have hit so many snags that I feel like I am no longer wearing a cute wool sweater and that I am standing naked in front of my fellow classmates. My spirit has been drained because of this stupidity that I have had to endure. I have had to turn in my college transcripts three separate times. I have to argue about things that should have transferred that did not transfer for some reason. I have had to argue about when and if I would be able to obtain my books. I have had to wait in lines the size of a small third-world country. I am exhausted at this point and one thing keeps going through my head and it is the thing that I should want to get out of my head, "I do not belong here at Ball State. This is not the school for me." It keeps repeating in my head. I keep trying to push it down, but if I feel this way next semester after I no longer have to deal with the registration process I will find a different University that fits who I am because right now it doesn't seem to be Ball State.

Got my degree in the mail...
Own Path, Diverse, Gay, Diversity, Love
littlecrush1981
My boyfriend, Chaz, drove me over to my house today to pick up my APA book that I need for one of my social work classes at Ball State University and in the mail there was my Associates Degree from Ivy Tech Community College. It is official I am an individual that has graduated and had their degree from Ivy Tech. I love that I got this degree today because tomorrow is my first official day over at Ball State University. I start the the week off with History on monday. Then my other classes are on Tuesday and Thursday primarily. It is great to know that I am on another leg of my future, but wow to think where I have been to where I am now. It is very emotional for me.

The little boy that was told that he could never succeed to the man that has achieved. This is one of those moments that I am proud of where I am. I am proud of what I have done. I am not ashamed to have some pride in myself and I am going to sing it from the mountains. What I have done in my life is nothing short of miraculous. :-)

Netflix review: Millennium Actress
Own Path, Diverse, Gay, Diversity, Love
littlecrush1981
Millennium Actress (2002)- 87 Minutes in length

Cast:

Miyoko Shoji, Mami Koyama, Fumiko Orikasa, Shouzou Iizuka, Shouko Tsuda, Hirotaka Suzuoki, Hisako Kyôda, Kan Tokumaru, Masaya Onosaka, Kôichi Yamadera, Masatane Tsukayama

Director:

Satoshi Kon

Millennium Actress is a beautiful and innovate anime that tells the story of a Japanese film house that is going out of business after 70 years in the business. The film house decides to do one last film, which is a documentary. The documentary focuses on the star that provided them the most fame and that is the character named Chiyoko Fujiwara.

The film blends the life of Chiyoko with the films that she made for the film house. There are moments in the film where you don't understand fully if it is her life or a film she was in, but it doesn't take away from the film itself. It fact this melding of the two actually provides a fresh and interesting take on how an anime can provide a story to its audience.

The basic premise of the film is that Chiyoko has been looking for one man her entire life. This one man is what drove her to go into acting in the first place and what kept her in the field, until a fateful day. I won't spoil what that fateful day was. She, Chiyoko, tells the story to the filmmaker that was commissioned, but the way the anime plays out is that the camera man and the filmmaker are transported into the time periods, even though they are not really there. This provides a very funny turn of events at some points of the story and provides a needed comedic aspect, since the story is very dramatic in parts.

This film truly is beautifully made. It provides a fresh look at the possibilities of what anime can do as a genre. I can't speak enough praises about "Millennium Actress" because it spoke to me in ways that other anime films have yet to do. This was about chasing a dream even if it is never fully obtained. It was about a woman who chose to live her life a certain way because of love. These characters almost seem real and you want to meet them. You want to be swept away in the story and learn more about the world of the "Millennium Actress" that is Chiyoko Fujiwara.

I'm Alive
Own Path, Diverse, Gay, Diversity, Love
littlecrush1981
Today I am feeling more alive than I have in awhile. I am not sure what has made me feel this way exactly, but I am going to enjoy it for what it is. Today I met with the supervisor of my internship (Which I am doing at Ivy Tech). I will be at Ivy Tech on Monday-Wednesday and then on Friday as well. On Monday my hours will be 10-4, Tuesday and Wednesday will be 10-3 and Friday will be 1-3.

Maybe that is why I am excited? I am not sure. I feel like I am accomplishing so much with my life at this point and moving forward. I feel like I am getting to a place where I could actually do anything that I put my mind too. I feel a lot obviously right now since I keep saying I feel hehe.

One thing I have decided to do is write reviews again, but before anyone thinks it is back to the comic books for me it isn't. I am actually going to start writing reviews on what I get from Netflix and saying how I enjoy or dislike the various movies I watch. I think this will allow me to find a different voice than I have had in the past with my writing. I also believe that it is a step in the right direction for me at this point since I need to focus up only on writing my comic books in the comic genre instead of over-extending my love for them.

"I'm Alive"

Mmmmm ... Mmmmm ...
I get wings to fly
Oh, oh ... I'm alive ... Yeah

When you call on me
When I hear you breathe
I get wings to fly
I feel that I'm alive

When you look at me
I can touch the sky
I know that I'm alive

When you bless the day
I just drift away
All my worries die
I'm glad that I'm alive

You've set my heart on fire
Filled me with love
Made me a woman on clouds above

I couldn't get much higher
My spirit takes flight
'Cause I am alive

When you call on me
(When you call on me)
When I hear you breathe
(When I hear you breathe)
I get wings to fly
I feel that I'm alive
(I am alive)

When you reach for me
(When you reach for me)
Raising spirits high
God knows that...

That I'll be the one
Standing by through good and through trying times
And it's only begun
I can't wait for the rest of my life

When you call on me
(When you call on me)
When you reach for me
(When you reach for me)
I get wings to fly
I feel that...

When you bless the day
(When you bless, you bless the day)
I just drift away
(I just drift away)
All my worries die
I know that I'm alive

I get wings to fly
God knows that I'm alive

I am What I am
Own Path, Diverse, Gay, Diversity, Love
littlecrush1981
Today was the first day of internship class for my technical last semester at Ivy Tech, the college does a weird thing where they graduate you in Spring if your last class is in the summer thus I have graduated but yeah weird school. My internship is actually with Ivy Tech. I realized that one area of interest that I have currently is learning more about the political side of college itself. Not from the student perspective so much but from the inside perspective of an individual that is there on a daily basis working within the machine itself. Luckily my adviser found herself needing a "secretary" like person because there were not enough finances to keep up with the work-study person that she previously had. This opened up for me to step in to do an unpaid internship, which is ok for me at this point. I will be helping with scheduling and things of that nature, but it will give me a huge chance to actually see the machine that is college. I really appreciate the opportunity to see what I am going to see, but the one thing that I have to remember during all this is that I can't talk about everything that I will see because confidentiality will be vital since I will be hearing about numerous situations that students find themselves in. While I will want to vent I realize that it isn't always appropriate. That will be a change for me since I am someone that usually is comfortable speaking on anything that they know. As we grow though I guess we change in various ways.

Which brings me to my second point. As I am changing I am realizing more and more about my own inner self. For a long time I have allowed other people to define what I say and do. I don't know why I have done this. I have felt like I always have to follow what others want instead of saying heck this is what I want to do. Some of it is such simple stuff like recently realizing that I had no longer had the drive to read comic books in the same fashion that I once had. I had allowed myself to continue reading them simply because I didn't want to upset my current comic book shop dealer. I wanted to keep him having business even though I wasn't reading about 90% of what I was purchasing. This is just one example of a way that I let others define what I say and do in life. Another one is for a long time I let a friend, that is no longer a friend, define what I would say and do with my publishing of my comic book. I would try to talk to them about it and get approval. This friend is the main reason that I haven't gotten the book done. This individual every time I would come up with an idea I would be told back that they had the same exact idea or because I wanted to publish a mini-series one day that that meant they got a mini-series of the same issue amount and that I would be paying for it. I barely could pay for my own for goodness sake. It drove down my spirits and I let it go on for far too long honestly. Now I realize I allowed the individual to have too much say in what I do with my life and my own goals. If I am going to have goals for my life they have to be my own. I have to do them for myself. I can ask friends sometimes for their opinion on matters, but I have to learn to let them just be that. THEIR OPINION. If I want to do something in my life I have to do it. I need to stop questioning everything at every turn and just do it. I need to realize that everything I do at this point needs to get me towards whatever it is I want to do in my future. It is time to allow me to be me. If I don't want to buy that comic book then I won't. If I don't want to publish someone's fifty comic book megaseries (okay this never happened but you know what I am getting at) I won't. If I want to walk to school in the rain I will. If I want to just be home alone for a day I will. It is time to listen to the voices inside of me and allow them to be heard instead of stifled.

Giving people too much control has only kept me back and it is time for me to sing and this is my song. All my gays better know it:

I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook
Or the ovation
It's my world
That I want to have a little pride
My world
And it's not a place I have to hide in
Life's not worth a dam
Till I can say
I am what I am

I am what I am
I don't want praise I don't want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it's noise I think it's pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not see things from a different angle
Your life is a shame
Till you can shout out I am what I am


I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck
Sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces
It's one life and there's no return and no deposit
One life so it's time to open up your closet
Life's not worth a dam till you can shout out
I am what I am

I am what I am

I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces
It's one life and there's no return and no deposit
One life so it's time to open up your closet
Life's not worth a dam till you can shout out
I am what I am

I am I am I am good
I am I am I am strong
I am I am I am worthy
I am I am I belong

I am

I am

Who whoooo etc.
I am

I am I am I am useful
I am I am I am true
I am I am somebody
I am as good as you

Yes I am

I Remember Me... (Song by Jennifer Hudson)
Own Path, Diverse, Gay, Diversity, Love
littlecrush1981
These lyrics touch a very personal place in my heart. If you haven't heard the song you should listen to it. It is powerful and masterfully done by Jennifer Hudson.




"I Remember Me"

I remember me, starting at myself
See these same two eyes, see these same two feet
I remember you, You who I used to be
You still look the same, but you don't hurt like me
Look at my reflection, somewhere my affection
Disappeared,isn't here, nothing left to say
Memories they fading, but I'm the one who makes them
But i keep the love close to enough to say

What if this life is all that we're given
We just can't stop living, scared of what we see
Cuz in this world, anything can hurt you
They push you, then forget you
Stole my history

But I remember me, I remember me
It don't matter where I go, what I'm told, now you know
I remember me, I remember me
Even if I say goodbye, start to cry, do or die
I remember me

I tell you what my name is
And ain't nothing gon' change it
Cuz what you are is what you are
Even if your memory's flawed
I go to places, trying to find familiar faces
They don't show, but I still know
They don't have to look for me
I dream about, I dream about
The place where all the broken pieces fit together

Cuz in this world, anything can hurt you
They push you, then forget you
And stole my history

But I remember me, I remember me
It don't matter where I go, what I'm told, now you know
I remember me, I remember me
Even if I say goodbye, start to cry, do or die
I remember me

Now all that's left of these hands, this breathe
I've said goodbye to so many things that tears wont cry
And i take this pain, This joy, and rain
Cuz all that matters now is
In this life anything can hurt you
Push you, then forget you
Erase your history

But I remember me, I remember me
It don't matter where I go, what I'm told, now you know
I remember me, I remember me
Even if I say goodbye, start to cry, do or die
I remember me

I remember me, oh woah
I remember me, I tell you what my name
I tell you what me name is
Do or die

You know that one song...
Own Path, Diverse, Gay, Diversity, Love
littlecrush1981
It seems most people have that one song that instantly will make them able to get through the day. It will pull them through whatever funk that is going on. This is that song for me. Yes it can be called cheesy, but it helps me through the day and that is all that matters.


"Finding my love for comics again path"
Own Path, Diverse, Gay, Diversity, Love
littlecrush1981
Recently I have found myself wondering why I have lost the love of comic books, but as I reflected back on what I have been purchasing the last several months/years I realized I had been getting books that I didn't even read. There are piles of books that I have purchased that I have had little to no interest in but purchased because they were "the next big thing" and this often meant that I put books that I adored on the backburner or just stopped collecting them all together. Well I am not doing that any more. I am going to start purchasing books that I want to read. I am not purchasing "Fear Itself" or "Flashpoint" for the most part. I am getting Secret Seven from the Flashpoint series because it is supposed to feature in it Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld, which I have almost every single issue that she has been featured in. Other than this I am avoiding that event. I am going to start getting books that I was interested in getting that I have neglected. One of these series that I wanted to originally get was Executive Assistant Iris. I just discovered that they are getting ready to do a new series with this and several of the other characters as well, so I plan on getting all of those titles. I will also be purchasing the Volume 1 trade that comes out sometime this year as well. This is my first stop on the "finding my love for comics again path".

The next step on the path towards finding my love for comics again is going back to a simpler type of comic book. This means I am going back to the comic books that I always love regardless of what is going on in them and that means two things: I am going to start getting the Archie titles (Betty, Betty & Veronica, and Veronica) again. These are books that I enjoy all the time regardless and they always make me smile. The second thing is that means remembering there are certain characters I love regardless of where they are at and those are the characters I need to start getting their titles regularly: Justice League of America for Donna Troy and Wonder Woman for Diana. While Wonder Woman is going through her own weird transition I believe with all my heart that this is still a character that I will forever love, so to keep purchasing her title will continue me back down the path of loving comic books.

The last step on my path to loving comic books again is to continue what I have been doing lately and that is working on my comic book series. I finally feel like I am getting to a comfortable place with that and getting it where I want it instead of feeling like I need to fit into some mold for someone else. While I, of course, want it to find an audience I have to also realize that part of the joy of this is getting to put out a comic book that expresses a voice that I want out there that I feel is lacking. I finally am getting that and realizing that is what I need from doing this comic book series. I need to put out that voice that speaks to people that seems to be forgotten in the world. That voice that says we are all human regardless of what we are going through trying to survive in a world that often pushes us down. I want to give a voice to my experience and that is what this comic book will allow me to do. As I have realized this though I have seen some major changes in my comic book and I have seen characters go away that do not serve any real purpose. I feel like I am finally streamlining and figuring out what I want from this series. Heck! I even finally feel comfortable with what I want to call the series and for those that have been listening to it know that I have wanted to call it everything under the sun. I finally feel like the name is right. The characters are right. The stories are right. It is going to be nice to finally see it in print when I get done. :-) This will be a huge step into me loving comic books again. One step at a time though.

Everything in life happens for a reason and I believe that my love for comic books had to die down a bit so I could see that I have to enjoy what books make me happy and to finally make me realize that I need to give myself the right to have a voice in my own storytelling endeavors.

Graduated... and Outstanding Student...
Own Path, Diverse, Gay, Diversity, Love
littlecrush1981
Welp! I graduated and I also found out that I got "Outstanding Student of the Public and Social Services" field at Ivy Tech- East Central Region. Isn't that an honor? Another nice thing to add to the resume to prove that I can work my butt off and achieve anything I put my mind too.


Sometimes we have to say goodbye to people....
Own Path, Diverse, Gay, Diversity, Love
littlecrush1981
Every day I grow a bit wiser and learn who and what I should have in my life. It isn't always easy to say goodbye to the past. Sometimes as individuals we can cling so tightly to those old days that we have had in our lives, but we have to learn to move on from the past. I am starting to realize this for myself. There is someone that I have allowed to come in and out of my life, but it is time to completely end this friendship entirely. I can't allow them to be in my life because of the negativity that they feed me and produce in my life. It is hard when they are someone that has been there for years, but sometimes moving onto the future means you have to let go of the past. You have to say goodbye to keep moving onto the future that you are intended to have.

As I put this friendship to rest it makes me recall that I have also put a lot of other things to rest in my life like the relationship with my family. I don't speak to them. I don't even have contact with them any more because they are also negative in my life. They have caused me so much pain in my life, but as I grow up I continue to grow and find the people that are my chosen family. I have been lucky to make some really great friends that love me unconditionally. I often feel like I don't have that many friends, but I have been blessed with some great individuals that consider me their friends and know that I would do whatever I could for them. These individuals are my family and the people that I care the deepest about.

This song is a song that I really identify with right now. I will never go home again. I will never see my family again, but I will always have a place that is safe. Thank you to those that love me in San Francisco. You will always be in my heart. It is the closest I have ever had to an accepting and loving place in my life. One day I might get back there, but for now I have to look towards my future and getting me where I want to be.


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